During the last Christmas holidays, I was chatting with a cousin about other family members, and she told me a story that caught my attention. One of our young nieces was fed up with Christmas Eve and Christmas Day family holidays where the atmosphere was often a bit tense and unnecessary conflicts erupted.
So this year, she suggested a little exercise to her loved ones to improve the atmosphere. During the first get-together, she asked each person to take a piece of paper and answer three simple questions in a few words…
« Alors que nos retrouvailles familiales commencent, que nous nous aimons et que nous nous apprêtons à passer du temps ensemble {entendez : « les uns sur les autres »}, ce serait bien que chacune et chacun se demande, à propos de ce séjour :
1) What am I afraid of?
2) What do I need?
3) What do I want?
And in turn, briefly and clearly, we will tell the others, aloud. We will listen to each other attentively, without commenting as a group. If we want to talk about it again, and it will be perfectly fine to do so, it will be one-on-one, calmly, sincerely, and with kindness. And of course, we won't judge, criticize, or make fun of anything that has been said in confidence by others.
Not bad, eh? But not so easy either! And of course, it assumes everyone wants things to go smoothly. In that case, it's a simple and clever method. For our niece's branch of the family, it worked well, according to everyone involved. I tried it myself: interesting and useful!
The most frequently expressed fears? Often, arguments about not participating in shared tasks, or different lifestyles. Needs: that tasks be clearly divided from the start, the ability to rest, sleep late, have moments of solitude away from the group, and without being criticized for it… Desires: to be happy, to say kind things to each other, to laugh together…
All this isn't exactly spontaneous, is it? Certainly. But what do we prefer? Spontaneity where arguments erupt, or a carefully planned approach that avoids friction and dissatisfaction? We won't learn anything new about others; we already know how they operate, right? Except… even if we already know, hearing someone say aloud, sincerely addressing the group, "I'm afraid of being criticized, I need to be able to sleep late in the morning, and I want lightness in our interactions…" and then daring to express this yourself, that makes you think!
And of course, it's not limited to the holiday season: would you like to try it at your next family or friends gathering?
Illustration: "What were the 3 questions to ask again?"
PS : cette chronique a été publiée à l’origine dans Psychologies Magazine en avril 2025.